I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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