thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
