I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
