One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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