I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
