Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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