I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
