just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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