we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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