I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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