3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You made out with two different species that night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
