i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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