i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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