she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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