my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
