Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
