I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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