Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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