My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
