My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
one might say we're banned from that church
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
