new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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