got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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