He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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