so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
