did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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