last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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