I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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