Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
