3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
