Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
