i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
