Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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