I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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