sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
