I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
