I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
