I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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