I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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