and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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