ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
