I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
