Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
