Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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