You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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