We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
