Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
