Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
