I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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