How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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