Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
