does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
