i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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