Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
