you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
