so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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