Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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