I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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