and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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