we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
