Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
